i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
