I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
