I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
