i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
