Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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