Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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