I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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