So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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