I swear she didn't look like that last week.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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