I cockslap morals
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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