So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
