i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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