Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
