One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
