I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
