I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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