just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
