I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
