There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
