I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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