I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
