You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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