i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
