Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
