and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
