She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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