if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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