I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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