You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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