just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
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She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
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He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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