You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
