Will you blow on my dice?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
