Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
