I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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