I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
