finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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