I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
