my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
