I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
