Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
