dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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