there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
