I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
