so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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