My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
