Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
