shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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