it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
