No stitches, just platelets and will power
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
