Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Someone shattered a urinal.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
