do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
