just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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