A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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