i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
