he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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