I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
