I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
