so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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