I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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